Friday, May 23, 2008
Locker Rooms
So I'm thinking that I'm going to write my next BlogHer post about locker room anxiety, but I need a little feedback. I think to some extent probably everyone has a bit of nervousness or anxiety about changing in a locker room, but I think there is added anxiety for gay people.When I started playing hockey last fall, I was super nervous about having to change in a locker room full of women. More nervous about that than the fact that I couldn't skate and knew nothing about what in the hell I was supposed to be doing on the ice during a game. I have two major issues with the locker room. First, I have this fear that the other women will be uncomfortable with me being in there, and that they would think that I would take advantage of my being in there by spending my time checking them out. Which I would NEVER do. My other issue is that I developed far greater modesty about my body with respect to women than I did for men. I know this might not make any sense to some people, but I would be so much more comfortable changing in the men's locker room than I would in the women's. And I know that probably seems backwards logically to some, because I know that all the other women in the locker room are straight and I am not their sex of preference and of course they aren't looking at me in that way, while for the men I am, most likely, their sex of preference and some would probably be looking at me in that way, which for some reason wouldn't bother me because I don't care if they see me that way, but I still can't help feeling uncomfortable in the women's locker room. I would liken it to a straight women having to change in the men's locker room, or the straight men having to change in the women's locker room. Does this make any sense to any one else, or is this just some strange issue with me that I've over thought? And just to be clear, this is not a body image issue. I have no issues there, I'm probably a little too healthy in loving my body, if anything.
I had gotten more comfortable about the whole locker room thing until last week. When I started playing hockey, I didn't walk in and announce that I was gay. In fact I've never said that I was, in so much as I've never said "oh hey guys, by the way, I'm gay," but I don't hide it either. I always talk openly about Betty Please and I would think it should be pretty clear to everyone. But, last week one of the girls started talking about "the lesbians," in referring to a small group of girls who I don't know, and the tone in voice when she emphasised the lesbians, well she may as well have just said those fucking dykes. I was a little floored by this, and all I could do was say "so what is your issue with lesbians?" She started explaining, claiming that she has no issues with the fact that they are gay but that they segregate themselves from everyone else, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately the conversation was interrupted and I didn't get to throw in my two cents. So, this person either is completely oblivious to the fact that I am gay, or she just doesn't care who she offends. I'm trying to decided if the next time I see her I should just point blank tell her that I'm gay, or if I should just let is go and wait for the day that I can introduce her to Betty Please, and just let her soak in it. I'm leaning towards not saying anything, but part of me just wants to say "you know I'm gay, right?" and see what she does. Anyway, it just took me back a bit.
So what do you guys think? Am I alone in this? Am I the only one who gets anxious having to change in a locker room, or you feel the same way about it? Or am I just fucking crazy? What?
And if you are one of the people from hockey feel free to comment, but please don't talk about this with others who are not privy to our blogs. I am not trying to turn this into a big thing, I hold nothing against this other person, in fact this person really has nothing to do with my real question, she just set me back in my comfort level in the locker room.



